Has your mind ever thought about dating situations in these extremes?
"Everyone is boring"
"No-one wants a relationship"
"It was all amazing, why don't they text?"
"It must be impossible to love me"....
How we think about dating can influence both how we feel and act - dramatically changing our outcomes. Strategies to unstick our mind from biases are therefore key to coaching. If we see dating situations from an integrated and balanced view, then we act from a wise state. 'Dialectical thinking' is one key tool to help reduce suffering and increase results in dating!
Dialectics originates from philosophy and science, and the notion of 'dialectical thinking' underpins Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT). Part of my work as a Clinical Psychologist involves teaching DBT to individuals and groups: skills about emotions, thoughts, relationships, and how to create meaningful change. In this article I will apply the tool of 'dialectical thinking' to enhance dating experiences.
Dialectical thinking asserts that two opposing ideas can both be true at the same time, there are multiple ways to view a situation, and multiple solutions to a problem. Dialectical thinking involves the recognition that change is a constant and everything is connected.
Non-dialectical thinking occurs if we rigidly take the view of one side, do not consider the opposing perspective or the integration of the two. Non-dialectical thinking leads to extreme views, can create extreme emotions, and therefore also extreme actions (or inactions). Non-dialectical thinking leaves little room for change or flexibility.
How can dialectics help me dating?
Dating involves continuous change, ambiguity, and conflicting messages and actions from the various people we encounter. For example, one week someone is infatuated by you, however you feel no spark. The next week someone else you are head over heels for suddenly ghosts you. You've had long term friendships, and not long term romantic relationships. You feel completely loveable from your sister but completely unloveable in dating. How we process and interpret these conflicting events can contribute to dating burnout or dating acceptance and effectiveness.
For example, you believe that all the interesting people are already in relationships or won't like you. This one sided belief will likely bring up feelings of hopelessness. This hopelessness can lead to strong dating actions: e.g swipe 'no' to majority of people on the apps:"There's no point it wont eventuate anyway", avoid going on dates:"I'd prefer to see my friends", avoid asking for exclusivity:"I'll scare them away, they'll only wont to stay if it's super casual". You may dabble in dates, but limited amounts which significantly reduces the statistical probability you meet someone in alignment with your dating goals. Potentially you meet someone who doesn't want a relationship and then your mind uses this to confirm:"Yes, see, no-one wants me, all people don't want relationships!". Or you go on a date and think:"This is boring", and portray body language of disinterest, less participation in conversation, and your date then begins to interact less.
What could change if you had dialectical thoughts in this situation?
"There are a multitude of people I will encounter in the dating scene, some people will want relationships and some people won't. With some people I will be interested in pursuing the connection and they wont, and visa versa. It is possible for me to find aspects of a connection with someone both interesting and boring, and this can evolve and change over time. How I interact with someone influences how they will act with me, and visa versa". These types of thoughts would likely lead to more moderate feelings of hope and sometime hopelessness. You may be more willing to pursue another date if one didn't go well, knowing dating is a balance, and the more we engage the more variety we get. You may also be more willing to pursue a connection further if a meeting wasn't 100% interesting the first time, knowing our interest can grow and change over time, and also on how well we know someone.
Here are some examples of non-dialectical thinking to dialectical thinking:
1. Non-dialectical thinking
"It must be impossible to love me" - "It is only possible to love me"
1. Dialectical thinking
"Someone can love me and may find parts of me annoying or boring at times"
2. Non-dialectical thinking
"It was all amazing, why don't they text?"
2. Dialectical thinking
"Parts of the date and spending time with that person were fun and I don't fully know this person and how our connection would be yet. If they aren't consistent in communication it indicates it isn't all amazing."
How to Think & Act Dialectically in Dating?
Here are 3 key steps to cultivate dialectical thinking:
#1: Acknowledge all sides
Remember there are multitude of angles and perspectives to any situation. Actively seek the opposing sides, build skills to tolerate uncertainty and ambiguity, and alter language from extremes to integration. E.g. instead of "but","either", "never", or "always", instead use "and", "both", "sometimes". You can play devil's advocate against an extreme belief you may hold, and ask yourself "what is the middle ground?".
#2: Notice you are connected with others
Treat others the way you would like to be treated in dating. Notice your effect on others. Let go of blame, know that your own and another person's behaviour's are brought into fruition from many culminating events over time.
For example, if you would like to have someone's full attention, interest, consistency, and joy, then bring those qualities from yourself into the date. We cannot control how other people act and feel, however our actions do influence our environment and we can set ourselves up for the best possible opportunities! Be mindful of similarities amongst the people you encounter in dating, seeing shared humanity, instead of stark difference, can cultivate compassion and kindness.
#3: Welcome change
Change is the only constant in life, and definitely a part of dating! Fully accept and embrace change, be curious about the dating journey as it unfolds. Some dates are exciting and fun, others are dreary and painful. Sometimes our hopes are high and we expect a relationship to last, the next minute the relationship is over. Acceptance doesn't mean we have to like or agree with all occurrences in dating. Acceptance allows us to reduce unnecessary suffering of rumination or denial, to let experiences come and go, like watching weather patterns in the sky. You can practice change by actively seeking it out, go on a date with a type of person you wouldn't normally, go to a new date location, or practice new dating skills like assertiveness - or dialectical thinking ;)
Adapted from DBT Skills Training and Worksheets, Second Edition, by Marsha M. Linehan. (2015).